Here I am. A total fucking mess. It’s 6.52pm, Billy has been home for just over an hour, Charlie since lunchtime. After spending the weekend with their father — my Exhole — they have come back exhausted and emotional. Charlie became hysterical over where she was sitting to have dinner and Billy followed shortly after because he could see me not coping and quite frankly, her screaming was doing our fucking heads in. Both have refused to eat dinner, Billy has told me his father is better than me and has screamed for half an hour demanding I call my Exhole to come and collect him. He called his father, who, as predicted, refused to come and get him and couldn’t for the life of him work out why both children were hysterical. The dog got their meals and I have called upon the expert opinion of a dear friend to see just how many pills I can pop so that I don’t pick up a drink but also don’t die.
So, here I am. Tears pouring down my cheeks, starting to feel the wave of chemical relief, roaring quickly to the rescue. Tex Perkins is filling my soul. One pill couldn’t work quickly enough and the next one will definitely knock me about. In fact, I usually only take a quarter. I know my time is limited to type. I can feel the heaviness in my fingers as my hero pulses through my body. I feel defeated and ashamed but I am still sober. Alerts are popping up on Facebook and private messages are coming through. I know people care. I am surrounded by amazing humans. I hesitated in posting how I was feeling but I want people to know that some days, this is absolutely fucking shit. Some days, my teeth start to ‘itch’ or ache and my skin crawls. I want to rip my own fucking face off, just to stop the hideous desire to drown myself in hell again. People need to know that they’re not alone in these feelings and just because I’m here with 2.5 years clean time, life ain’t no picnic.
What sets me off? It depends on the day. Sometimes it’s the sunshine, sometimes it’s the rain. Sometimes it’s the stale smell of alcohol on someone as I pass them in the supermarket. The other day, it was seeing the local motel and remembering all the times I’d book a room at dives like that, just to get fucked up in peace. Some days, it’s my kid telling me their dad is better than me and they’d rather live with him. Some days it’s because I’m broke. Other days, it’s nothing. It just is. It doesn’t matter what it is. You can’t avoid life and life will happen. It’s learning to live life on life’s terms and that can suck ass sometimes. All these things are going to happen, whether I’m present or not and I need to learn to deal with them with a clear mind, instead of inside that swirling world of liquid numbness — which never makes anything better. Ever.
Oh how I wish, at times like this, I could fall into someone. Just to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright.
Fuck you today. You caught my by surprise. 7.05pm — writing game over.