The Tornado

Here I am.  A total fucking mess.  It’s 6.52pm, Billy has been home for just over an hour, Charlie since lunchtime.  After spending the weekend with their father — my Exhole — they have come back exhausted and emotional.  Charlie became hysterical over where she was sitting to have dinner and Billy followed shortly after because he could see me not coping and quite frankly, her screaming was doing our fucking heads in.  Both have refused to eat dinner, Billy has told me his father is better than me and has screamed for half an hour demanding I call my Exhole to come and collect him.  He called his father, who, as predicted, refused to come and get him and couldn’t for the life of him work out why both children were hysterical.  The dog got their meals and I have called upon the expert opinion of a dear friend to see just how many pills I can pop so that I don’t pick up a drink but also don’t die.


So, here I am.  Tears pouring down my cheeks, starting to feel the wave of chemical relief, roaring quickly to the rescue.  Tex Perkins is filling my soul.  One pill couldn’t work quickly enough and the next one will definitely knock me about.  In fact, I usually only take a quarter.  I know my time is limited to type.  I can feel the heaviness in my fingers as my hero pulses through my body.  I feel defeated and ashamed but I am still sober.  Alerts are popping up on Facebook and private messages are coming through.  I know people care.  I am surrounded by amazing humans.  I hesitated in posting how I was feeling but I want people to know that some days, this is absolutely fucking shit.  Some days, my teeth start to ‘itch’ or ache and my skin crawls.  I want to rip my own fucking face off, just to stop the hideous desire to drown myself in hell again.  People need to know that they’re not alone in these feelings and just because I’m here with 2.5 years clean time, life ain’t no picnic.

What sets me off?  It depends on the day.  Sometimes it’s the sunshine, sometimes it’s the rain.  Sometimes it’s the stale smell of alcohol on someone as I pass them in the supermarket.  The other day, it was seeing the local motel and remembering all the times I’d book a room at dives like that, just to get fucked up in peace.  Some days, it’s my kid telling me their dad is better than me and they’d rather live with him.  Some days it’s because I’m broke.  Other days, it’s nothing.  It just is.  It doesn’t matter what it is.  You can’t avoid life and life will happen.  It’s learning to live life on life’s terms and that can suck ass sometimes.  All these things are going to happen, whether I’m present or not and I need to learn to deal with them with a clear mind, instead of inside that swirling world of liquid numbness — which never makes anything better.  Ever.

Oh how I wish, at times like this, I could fall into someone.  Just to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright.

Fuck you today.  You caught my by surprise.  7.05pm — writing game over.


Love at First Sight

16559284_10158209868205181_568654128_nI remember the day, the very first day I fell in love.  My very first, true love.  I was 14 years old, it was my Dad’s 50th birthday party and it hit me like a freight train.

I was standing in the front garden at home (pictured), dressed in my new shirt and wide legged pants which had been purchased especially for the occasion and this feeling just swept across me, like a wave of relief, a beautiful, peaceful, numbing wave of instant, intense love.

I imagine Mum and Dad had let me have some champagne, a little bit, just to celebrate Dad’s birthday.  They were not big drinkers and were always cautious when letting me have ‘a sip’ but on special occasions, there was always wine, champagne and beer in the house for friends and it was easily accessible.  Why wouldn’t it be?  I don’t suppose they ever thought their teenage daughter would be taking advantage of the situation!

Christmases, birthdays, Grand Final Day and the like were always a fun time in our house.  Friends and family would gather and laughter and excitement would ensue.  There was always plenty of food and a well stocked esky or laundry sink filled with ice and grog.  From the day I fell in love, these days were even more exciting for me.  You see, from the day I fell in love, my focus shifted.  It shifted from normal teenage things to wondering when I could be with my new found love and escape from my reality.

An escape from reality was certainly what it was.  Suddenly I was no longer fat and ugly or the girl who’d never kissed a boy — suddenly, I was beautiful, creative, thinking deeply and FREE.  Suddenly, the pain of teenage angst mixed with undiagnosed depression, was gone.  Suddenly, I had found a way to live.  On that day, in 1989, I remember making a conscious decision that this new found love must become a permanent fixture in my life.  Oddly, 20 something years later, I remember the moment vividly.  It was an epiphany.  This was IT.  I had found the remedy, I had found an out, I had something that nobody else could possibly understand and I had no intention of letting it go.

For 26 years, I didn’t.


If you are struggling with alcohol or drug issues, please contact your GP or reach out to the wonderful people at Alcoholic’s Anonymous Australia or Narcotics Anonymous Australia and please remember, you are not alone.